I really wish people (including myself) were more open and vulnerable about the downsides to their relationships. I feel like people (esp myself) are afraid to share the conflicts and struggles because we don’t want other people judging our relationship or the other person and saying “maybe they aren’t right for you.” But then people are all like, “it’s normal and healthy to fight.” So idk I just wish I had more people to confide in when days like these happen because they make me feel so so lost. Make me question everything. Make me wonder if a different life would be better and make me happier.

Sigh.

I guess I have something to talk to my therapist about next session lol.

Came to PA with Jersey friends and one of them asked, “do PA people dislike Jersey people or view them a certain way?” And my first thought was, no…? Like I’ve heard Jersey be called the armpit of America but that’s about it?

So I asked him, “oh in what way, what do you mean?”

“like driving wise, like Jersey people hate PA drivers.”

“oh well I guess I’m personally biased because I don’t like Jersey drivers.”

“Yea we hate PA drivers because they drive really slow.”

And I’ve been thinking about this for the past few hours and it’s making me really mad lol. I’ve always hated Jersey drivers just being in the car with friends, because I feel super unsafe. People are aggressive on the road, cut you off, don’t let you go, run stop signs and red lights, and get super mad at the simplest things, sometimes to the point where they have to roll down their window to give you the finger and scream at you. And you’re trying to tell me that driving slow is what pisses you off??? It makes no sense to get so angry at other people for being safe drivers. Personally I think a good driver is a calm driver. Would you want to be in the car where the driver was speeding and swerving and getting mad at the smallest things? No, I wouldn’t feel safe.

And honestly this makes me mad for a couple of reasons. Lately I’ve been getting really agitated riding with James because he’s been getting annoyed more easily while driving. I don’t want to be around that. At one point when I was single, road rage was like a dealbreaker for me. He’s been getting super judgmental of other drivers more often and getting mad easier and it’s honestly so annoying. You watch YouTube videos and text half the time while you’re driving so it’s not like you’re being a good driver either. Like I really mean it when I think New England drivers aren’t as bad as Jersey drivers.

I feel like Jersey being between suburbs and being by NYC just took all the bad traits of both. Like it doesn’t have as good talent or opportunity as NYC, but caught onto the aggression and impatience of NYC. But didn’t pick up the intelligence so a lot of people still have small town ignorance.

Anyways long rant about Jersey because somehow I ended up here and am stuck here for a little more since my job is in the city but it’s cheaper to live in Jersey and I’m dating someone from Jersey…I can’t wait to be able to move west. It’s chill there, the people are nice, the drivers are nice (kind of like central PA honestly). But democratic and more up to date with my ideals I guess. At least Jersey is Democratic lol. Central PA has a lot of republicans but they’re nice people.

Oh and also second reason is because my whole life growing up, I was on the slower side, in terms of learning, or understanding, or doing, and was constantly reprimanded and belittled for being “too slow.” So I always felt I was less than because I was slow, and was super insecure about it. Good thing I moved to NYC where pace is at utmost importance lol. But yea it hits a sore spot to hear people reiterate that “being slow” is a bad thing. Because it’s not. It’s normal for humans to go at their own pace and I hate when people perpetuate the idea that things have to follow a certain speed. And that is something I have to constantly unlearn and relearn as an adult now. So it’s frustrating when someone brings it up again and I have to fight that belief

Okay I’ve been suppressing those thoughts and just needed to get them out because I don’t have therapy for a week and it’s been boiling inside of me. So sorry to offend jersey people bc I know y’all have some weird state pride for some reason

Man. Getting to talk to Nia the other day made me remember how nice (and necessary) it is to have friends around who you can confide in, and vent without being judged. But the reality of adult life sometimes is that you don’t always have that close friend group around to talk to, or if you do, everyone is so busy with their lives that you don’t want to bother them all the time or bring them down with your uncomfortable emotions…

Which is why I have tumblr as my friend, bc this way I can release my thoughts into the world without bothering anyone. Even though I’ll want to talk it through with people again.

Just feeling really hesitant and insecure and anxious about moving out to Bloomfield. The apartment building is nice but there’s really nothing around it in the area and I’m really scared of feeling trapped there…which is how I usually feel in suburban areas…

^ had written this yesterday in a rush of stress and frustration. I’m feeling livable now but I still feel unstable. The stress of the billion things I have to do is just super debilitating and I want to nap 🙃