Everything sucks. I want out. Lost my job and like I’m not too mad about but like it still sucks and I still have to scramble to organize my files and worry about insurance later and everything. And for some reason the two days where my layoff is hitting me most also have to be the days where my partner decides to yell at me like wtf be a little supportive? You keep yelling at me for being selfish but like, how are you supporting me in losing my job? Like thanks for making my day exponentially worse and for making me cry??? Idk why nowadays it feels like I’m with a ticking time bomb. Like he really crossed a line and I’m on my last straw now. But I also don’t feel like I can afford (emotionally) to break up, and also (financially) to afford to move out and pay for an apartment on my own because…I LOST MY JOB. Jfc

Also no one even signs up for my hammock class so there’s $30 that I am not making. Is it worth five hours of my day to make $20…but like also I can’t quit that now either.

So sick of everything I just want it all to end

I’m really tired of being depressed all the time.

These past few weeks have just been constant sadness, heaviness, loneliness, unworthiness, unwanted-ness…I’ve merely been putting up with existence. I’m really tired of feeling so overwhelmingly down all the time. And it really consumes me where I can’t focus on anything else, so I want to talk about it with people, but then I start to feel bad that I’m always feeling like crap and bringing in all this negative energy wherever I go.

If anyone is interested in my current state of being…

I literally haven’t showered in a whole week now. Been so busy with work all day long, and finalizing moving out. Just doing the bare minimum outside of that, like taking Jellybean out for a little and then eating some food. Haven’t been able to go out to mail some packages, only went out because I had to teach class. Otherwise just been so mentally dragged down that by the end of the day, I try to stay up to do more work but end up passing out, and no shower gets taken 🫠 (and once I finally, groggily wake up, I go straight to work)

Need to prioritize that tonight…

Just gonna take a moment to journal here bc…I’m overwhelmed, and exhausted, and all I want to do is take a four hour nap, but in reality I only have one hour to do a bunch of work before I have to leave to the studio and cram what I’m gonna teach in my commute. So giving up time to actually practice or find something new to teach (again). And also that’s disregarding other things I have to do like get the mail or go back to d&b to move more stuff or take jellybean out… 😮‍💨

And the work I have to do is already overdue so I’m working under a lot of stress and anxiety and guilt. So just overall this whole situation sucks and there’s four different things expected of me and pulling me in different directions and I can’t do them all

Honestly I think a lot of life (and therapy) is just learning how to accept all your emotions when they come. Been feeling really crappy a lot lately…it’s been rainy, it’s winter, I’ve been feeling unmotivated, I feel purposeless, I feel like the only thing I want to wake up for is to go back to sleep… and then at work they’re talking about layoffs, my boss is on edge, and today my bird got mad at me for holding his molted feathers (?) so he decided to really cling onto my fingers and his bite drew blood today…

So I’m just sitting here feeling like shit and just trying to give this emotion space and wait for it to pass. And it’s so hard, it sucks. I just want to be unconscious so I don’t have to feel or deal with anything.

The past month or so has been really rough mentally and emotionally. It’s been really hard finding things that give me light, finding things to live for or be excited about.